On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
