Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
