If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
