before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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