her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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