i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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