Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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