Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
