so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
