I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
