My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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