I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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