just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
