I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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