kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
