Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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