If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just pynch a tree in the face
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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