Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
