I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
