I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
