so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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