We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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