Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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