Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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