i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
