Ambien. No doubt about it.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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