Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
