Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
