I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
