True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
honey bunches of taint.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
