You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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