whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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