I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
