dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Me too!
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
