I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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