Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
