I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
