i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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