I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
