I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize