okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
