I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
