respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
