I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
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