I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
