where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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