god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Operation Purity has been aborted
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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