I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
