plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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