Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
