I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
