I puked a lego.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
