I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
