sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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