Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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