I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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