I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
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There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
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You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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