You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
