my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
